Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
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If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Great game to play with friends
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.