*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
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“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
me doing my best
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!