I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
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how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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