Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
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Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
you gotta be faster
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails