“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
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It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Ion see the issue
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.