“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
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Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200