My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
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Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.