everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
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This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
If looks could kill
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
The smoothest fall of all time
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.