My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
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Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Digital security in Ancient Troy
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
They’re on their honeymoon
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.