Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
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Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.