“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
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The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Breaking news:
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.