Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
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You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets