My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
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I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers