[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
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interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Just a phase…
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail