My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
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Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I have written yet another poem about laundry
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?