Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
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*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up