I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
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Are you a cat person or a person person?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Somebody call the cops.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.