strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
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Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore