Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
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If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*