Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
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Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT