The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
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“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver