Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
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*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
You can’t outrun your problems…
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.