People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
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In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.