When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
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[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.