How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
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if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.