Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
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Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
New Tinder profile.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.