[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
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I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.