Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
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IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…