must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My safe word is Worcestershire
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now