This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
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<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
My daily affirmation
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?