Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
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Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I found your tweet-up…
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor