all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
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Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
#dalle2
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Beware…..
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE