Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
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“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Breaking news:
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.