not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
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*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.