Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
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Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Don’t snitch tag.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.