My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
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You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball