Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
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“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Me in tagged photos
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.