Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
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Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
May have had one breakfast too many
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.