There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
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Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Batman v Dracula
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration