My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
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Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I’m going to need a moment here.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge