ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
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You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
They got Raph!
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…