Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
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Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp