[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
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Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me