[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
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BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.