Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
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The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Me irl
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons