That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
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[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
How it started: How it’s going:
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Can’t, holding a grudge
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi