Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
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Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.