Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
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GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
My therapist after every session
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*