*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
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Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing