Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
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To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question